"After 11 days, after questioning my existence and questioning others, I find myself standing still, seeking answers that never arrive."
I stayed in this place until my curiosity to ask faded away. Now, your answers are no longer required because, truthfully, I am not here anymore. And the irony? No one can find me—except the "Hims." I wish for them to understand me, all but one. If he dares to try, I’ll let him wander into the corners of my mind where I allow no one else.
You might be wondering where I’ve been all these days (and if not, humor me for a moment and imagine thousands waiting for my series daily).
Let’s just say I was lost in contemplation, which led to overthinking, then overstimulation, and finally, to numbness.
Not long ago, in early December, someone texted me: “I feel nothing. No love, no hate, no anger—just numb.” I had responded casually, “It’s okay, it happens.” But later, I replayed their words in my mind. How could one feel numb?
Here’s the answer: Yes, you can feel numb. That’s exactly how I feel now. What brought me here? You may wonder, but trust me, dear reader, you don’t want to know. My reasons are too heavy to share, and I doubt anyone could bear them. So, we’ll stay on the shore of this story instead of diving into its depths.
All the "Hims" hold equal weight in my life, yet my focus now is on the eternal Him.
"Why, Eternal Him, do your tests for me seem endless? Do you find my performance so exemplary that you burden me with all the difficult exams at once?"
I scream these questions to Him every day!!!! Frustration and exhaustion claw at me, but somehow, He remains my only hope. I say, respond to me now..........
Hope—what does that word even mean anymore? Have you seen it? Because it’s been far too long since I have.
As for the other "Hims," they’ve changed. I no longer recognize them. By the time they return, perhaps I’ll be unrecognizable to them as well. And in this moment, I have no hope for that reunion. Not for myself, nor for them.
Life is undeniably harsh. Some people crave to live it fully, while others quietly wish to end it. But I am neither of these. Right now, I desire nothing—not from life, not from anyone. I want zero from the universe. The farther people stay, the better it is for me.
"I watched everything fall apart, powerless to stop it. I close my eyes to escape, but the pain follows, and what remains is emptiness, staring back at me."
I avoided writing this blog because I wanted my words to be a light in your life. When you read my work, I want you to feel positivity in your bones. But I must apologize—I have nothing to offer today but emptiness. I feel hollow, as though my light has wandered off, perhaps forever.
"I will applaud myself when I emerge from this moment, but for now, I cannot. Life seems designed to fall apart, hearts destined to break, and promises made only to be shattered."
In tough times, people’s true faces are revealed, and they are rarely kind. The cruelty of society becomes unbearable when your struggles are exposed to others. This is why I’ve always disliked the world outside.
I’ve seen it in history: "When someone is already broken, others seem to take it upon themselves to worsen their pain." This is why I remain silent when I see my "Hims" suffer. I refuse to add to their burdens. Yet, I can no longer feign happiness before them. So, I choose to say nothing and let time deliver its answers.
"Until I find my light again, I leave you with this: Are you truly present in this moment? Do you feel yourself? If not, then search within and find yourself. Because if you feel unworthy, there are people who love you. Find yourself—for them, and for you."
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